Lonliness

Why...?

I thought by doing this I could runaway from my tiredness, my boredom, and break free from my restraining norm. It feels warm, and suddenly becomes warmer until it's hot enough to burn my own clothes, my own bed, and I guess, my own tears. I thought it was pleasuring, caressing, and secretly allows me to feel a slightest love I imagine I could never get.

But no.

My tears, they didn't dry. They suddenly burst, along with my guilt, my decaying innocence, and clearing up the ashes that had been burned because of my fake happiness. I realize that I would never be out of this mess that eating my flesh, my bones, and my finally my soul.

It's because I'm so lonely, so lonely that I feel my whole body begin to numb and crying without knowing what to do. So lonely that I have to admit that I'm deserted, I don't have someone I can label "significant". I'm so lonely that I deny it for being actually lonely and put my best gut to socialize with people that don't even care a single bit for my existence.

Inside my burning cocoon of bed and quilt, I finally break down. Crying for someone, I know, and loved me before I used to be lonely. I begin to imagine this blanket, smells like split milk and eucalyptus oil, and its burning hotness gradually turns to warm. I wonder if these hands that wrap me up on the blanket are from someone I know. Mother. I can her singing the song she used to sing before I sail to my journey of dreams. She loved me before I used to be lonely. She loved me.

I feel like I can hear some voices too. Voices that calls me in a name that they gave me when we were getting closer. As best friends. I know they're coming here, randomly running towards me like a flock of jungle birds that surprised a scream of a hunter's shotgun. Running towards me with smile like a warm beach sun. And their figures begin to blur, their voices begin to decrease, and finally gone with the mist. They used to love me. Before I'm lonely.

I wonder if I walked to far until I feel this desperately lonely. No. I just went for a walk. Only a few miles away. I know they are somewhere and still love me but somehow this loneliness eats away their love and burn all the yearning letters they sent to me. Then loneliness blows the ashes towards my heart, dying it all black, black without a spot. Then I start to see myself as a adult, I don't need my Mother's blanket anymore. I can handle myself with my commitment to work, my nagging bosses, my reckless and pricking acquaintances. I see best friends have occupied with their own jobs, problems, and life in general, that they won't have any second left for me anymore. And one of them even starting to deny our friendship, deny how much we cared for each other, deny how sweet it was by being just together, and ridiculously want someone new for a brand new best friend as well.

Then this is what I do. I run away. Run away by burning, looking for fast vessel to carry out my sadness. Yes, I drink that forbidden rum, I inhale that polluted smoke, I thrust a sword to my own heart hoping this thing will finally stop. I did feel happiness. I feel ecstasy! Euphoria! But after all of them gone, I started to cry. Like now. I feel useless and wasted. I just build a dead end into my own future and it would be too hard to fix anything right now. It's all dying. Rusting into mere dusts. And all left in me was just my tears, regret, and loneliness.

Why...?

Why loneliness even feels hurt in the first place!? Why does it hurting me? Why I prefer to be lonely? Why do I enjoy all this?

Why...?

Sun finally rises and I'm already numb. I'm sorry I can't live another day anymore. It killed me already. Loneliness finally wins and take what it wants from me...