Sorry for not actively-blogging anything, work has been busy and I think I'm PMSing, it's weird when you are a human dosed with hormons. Why do God even created women with more hormons I don't get it.

All this time I feel like I have to justify everything to my standards and if anything is not on my standards, I go nuts. For example; I degrade people with below "intelligence" and consumptive lifestyle and disregard them, criticize them, and think lowly of them. I swear. I rather mean to girls around my age who can't act mature in handling their emotions over uncertain life partner, girls who think of their body shape matters most. I sneer them and believe me, I spread how disgusting they are on public sites; social medias. Same goes with boys. Boys are nothing more than primordial creatures who think with their penises instead of their brains. I was unfair. I am unfair. I hate society, I just never tell them.

Earlier this month I went to a shrink to get therapy because I have been my mind have been thinking in clusters and I had no sense of self-worth. I had this one journal where I dispose my negativity because that's the only thing I know to keep insane, or else it will burst everywhere uncontrollably, aimed at the wrong person at the wrong time (my driver is a regular victim of this, I swear I can suddenly turn mean to him). I told my shrink I might be bipolar because my mood swings are, although not dangerously violent (I did break stuff in fits though, in front of my parents even), is so uncontrollable and rapidly changes. I didn't know whether how I told how I feel her the right way, but she said that I was fine and I just suffer from symptoms of depression and some adjustment problems (having living alone for years and suddenly moved back to parents' place). She glanced through my journal but I guess she found nothing in particular, and the way she reacted and consulted me, I felt like she tried to convince me that I had no problems at all. So I tried to believe that and stopped my regular attendance.

The thing is, the fit still exists. My cluster thinking still exists too. Just like I've written earlier. I am mean. I am horribly mean, even to my best friends, I treat them with coldhearted logic. One even suspected that I completely hate her at the moment. I feel like, now that I have a full time job, I got even meaner. I yell at practically everyone at home. My Mom, my Dad, the helpers, everyone. I could keep my temperament at work though. Although when I got a project handed to me, I tend to become erratic. Things turned okay usually though. For some reason I can just attach myself from emotional beatings at work, but at home or with familiar faces, I turned exactly the opposite.

Also this. I always have this bugging me. I have an overwhelming guilt about things. I feel like I always guilty for something that I've done and sometimes I don't know what that is. I always feel like the way I am is a big mistake and even though I learned or try to forgive myself, I will do another mistakes and the guilt seems never ends. If you ask me right now, what exactly what I've done; I don't know. All I know is I'm such a horrible person.

I am such a horrible person.

My friends say that I'm just ungrateful and in love with my suffering but believe me, I TRIED. I felt happy once but then I realize how fake, transient that happiness is. It was not true. It's just... hollow because time will pass and you just passed over your happiness.

I feel like something had been poisoning me and I don't know what that is.

So... I was bullied. But come on, everyone was. I enjoyed my little cozy world with little geeky things I attach myself to, like unreal characters, while kids around my age feels like they own the world, go out there and grow up. Three years in junior high I was bullied. I was called names. They twirl my hair like some kind of object and if they need someone to be humiliated in front of the stage, they will first mention me. I wasn't sure why but luckily I have friends who'd accepted me. I remembered one time I expressed how much I hated those bullies and I sincerely wanna kill them. My so called best friend laughed at me and until today, deep inside I still kinda wonder if he really was my best friend at all. 

And yep, I went to high school. I hated society, I became bitter, somewhat depressed, I attempted suicide, yadda yadda. But I felt like that was my moment. That particular moment in high school; where I saw how teachers don't care about their students, putting up corrupt rules upon the school which you can trace back to the corrupt system of this country, how the students had no particular manners, one of my best friends was kicked out of the house because his sex-addiction and one was attempted rape by her stepfather, the other was declared mentally ill and had to stay out of school for a year, and worse things happened. There are some good times, but again, it did not last.

It came to me that... There is nothing good in this world and there's nothing will be. I started to grow up. I realized it doesn't just happen to me. It happens to everyone. That, there is no hope. If there is, it's implausible and how long will the hope last?

My Mom starts to drag me to this synergy meeting. It's a religious thing. It kinda works like dissecting the Quran and how to live by His rules by using the mind, the soul, and the logic. It's easy to comprehend actually. Yet it still doesn't click me to the soul just yet. If religion can heal the confused, I don't feel like this one has effects on me. I know the rules, I abide to some, I understand, I applied. Well yeah, I still skip my prayers and recite the Quran only for logical dissection. I'm not a religious person from the very start anyway. But at least I don't abuse it like the fanatics do. But I just feel like, it doesn't hit me just yet. It does, but only a little.

Yet, I am still selfish. Still believing that if you're not becoming the mean one, people will be mean to you. There's no use of being patient and submissive to certain conformity because if you don't fight you won't survive. If you don't get angry and defend your ego, your ego will be crushed and there will be nothing left of you and I learned that from being bullied and noticing how my friends suffered because of other people's mistake.

I've been thinking of this a lot this past few days. Triggered after I yelled at my Mom, and one of my friend pointed me "becoming one of those extreme feminist" but I realized I was acting much more lower than that. I was acting like that stupid fandumb you see on tumblr. The one that I disregard and think lowly of. In a way, he helped me realize I was a hypocrite. And I know. Because everyone is. I am. I criticize them knowing I am, while ignoring the fact that I am. What is worse is, he also pointed out how I fail to see how reality works to things I'm attaching myself to. My gateaway to survive. That little cozy world I thought I can shelter myself from bullying or loneliness. I thought I loved them dearly but instead I poison them with my means and smothering them and closed my eyes upon the fact that; they're copyrighted characters and not mine. And I have no rights upon them so I just have to accept them the way they are, the way I do not desire and I just lost my last hope in means to survive because I HAVE VIOLATED MY OWN RULES.

I feel bad for acting so dumb and made him slightly annoyed. But moreover I felt bad because someone just pointed out to me the truth how I've been acting all this time, and there you go. That guilt trip. Over the simplest thing. But after what I've been through for awhile now, it's like a little drop of water to an already filled big bucket. I degrade people and it is me how should be degraded. And all my other mistakes was pointed out.

So here I am. Stuck in the stable loop of hopelessness and bitterness. If I already became a figure I hate so much, like a hypocrite, a bully, a fandumb, and all sorts, I'm just one of the few. And there's is no way to better myself because even so, I am prone to mistake. So does everyone else. I feel like there is no hope to better myself. Maybe I'm so depressed and so coldhearted, religion won't effect on me. All this time, I am mean, I am mean to myself. I mean to others because I see how they represent what I have become; what I've hate. I hate society because I am now in the part of it. I have stupidity to cover how stupid I am actually. I hate women because I am one. I hate men because I am one too. I never think highly of anyone because I never think highly of myself and that's how I see the world. I'm that person everyone hates, because all I do is accuse hate to everyone without considering how cruel I am. Just like those bullies. I am those bullies. I have become my own shadow.

After being brickslapped by my friend -- right after wondering where had I thrown my littlest joy for things I used to love, I realize how much of a monster I've become. And I need to confirm this to myself that this has happened. I'm not looking for sympathy. Maybe more like help. Maybe I should start seeing the shrink again. Maybe I should just become a straightforward idiot because feeling that "I am the righteous one" kill my innocence. I don't know. Religion, maybe.

Or maybe I should just play ignorant and play by everyone's rules, doing what they want me to do? But I tried that and it hurt so much when they never seem to be pleased by you.

So, how not to become a monster? How to forgive yourself? How to be better and wise? How to be kind and not mean? And after you change, then what?

Also, this is the reason why I refuse to update this blog with positive, uplifting things I like used to. Because I lost sense of what is right. I came to believe that nothing is right and even you are righteous, you are always wrong.